A Compassionate Guide to Your Loved One’s Belongings
The moment that everything changed for grief coach Charlene Lam was when her mother died suddenly in 2013, and Charlene was standing in her mom’s kitchen, staring at a bottle of soy sauce. “How was it possible she would never cook again? How could I let it go?” Lam questions in her book Curating Grief: A Creative Guide to Choosing What to Keep After a Loved One Dies, when she was facing the overwhelming task of sorting through her mother’s belongings.
Deciding what to do with a loved one’s belongings while you’re grieving is one of the most challenging tasks you’ll face after loss–and you’re not alone. Here are some thoughtful approaches and practical strategies that can help make this process more manageable.
Selecting What Matters: “We’re all curators after a loved one dies,” Lam explains, transforming what feels like an impossible burden into an intentional, creative process. When faced with clearing out her mother’s 3,000-square-foot dream house, Lam asked herself a game-changing question: “If I were to curate an exhibition about my mother, which 100 objects would I choose?” This became the foundation of her Curating Grief framework, created to help individuals navigate the complex process of grief.
There is power in reframing. “When we talk about things taking up space, usually we’re talking about physical space… But there’s also emotional space, and things that take up head space,” Lam notes. This insight is crucial—our loved ones’ belongings don’t just occupy closets and drawers; they occupy our hearts and minds in complex ways.
What the Experts Say
- There Are No Rules. Take Your Time: “The first rule in dealing with the stuff of grief is that there are no rules,” writes grief expert Dr. Kenneth J. Doka in Psychology Today. “We should do it when it seems right—when we are ready.”
This wisdom is echoed throughout the grief community. Professional estate consultant Cathy Schaefer emphasizes that “once someone dies, all of a sudden their things have new meaning.” Items that once seemed mundane—like rosaries, cards, or books—suddenly become difficult to part with.
- Honor Your Emotional Reality: “In the midst of grief, it can be challenging to separate the person from their things,” notes a decluttering expert from The Simplicity Habit. But remember: “People are not their things. Your memories will not be any less real or meaningful because you don’t keep their belongings.”
A Practical Framework
It’s challenging to be practical when you’re dealing with intense emotions, and when every object holds memories of someone you’ve lost. However, having some structure can be helpful—it provides a starting point for making decisions without overthinking every choice. Here’s a framework that can guide you through the process.
Essential Documents (Always Keep)
- Legal documents: will, insurance policies, property deeds
- Financial records: tax returns (keep for at least 3 years), bank statements
- Identification documents: passport, driver’s license, social security card
- Medical records and prescription information
- Business documents, if applicable
Keep These if They Bring Comfort:
- Special items, like favorite shirts or jackets
- Jewelry, especially pieces with personal significance
- Items related to their hobbies or passions
- Handwritten letters, cards, or notes
- Photo albums and meaningful photographs
- Family heirlooms or collections that they treasured
Consider Letting Go Of:
- Duplicate items or multiples of the same thing
- Clothing that doesn’t hold special memories
- Books, unless they were particularly meaningful
- Kitchen gadgets and household items (unless they tell a story)
- Outdated technology or equipment
The Art of Thoughtful Selection: Lam’s curatorial approach asks powerful questions: “[Do I want to keep this item] because it represents a past version or a vision of me? Is it something that I see carrying forward, taking up space in my future life?”
Consider creating categories as Dr. Doka suggests:
- Keep for yourself – items that bring comfort and connection
- Give to family/friends – things others would treasure
- Donate – items that would benefit others in need
- Not now – things you’re not ready to decide about yet
- Let go – items that no longer serve a purpose
Creating Meaningful Connections: The goal isn’t to preserve everything, but to maintain meaningful connections. As Lam discovered through her curatorial process, “I found ways to stay connected with my mother. Not in a woo-woo, séance way, but in an integrating her memory into my life way.”
Consider these creative approaches:
- Create a memory box with a few special items
- Commission artwork incorporating meaningful objects
- Take photographs of items before letting them go
- Write stories about significant possessions
- Share items with others who would treasure them
Working Through Emotional Challenges
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone: “Friends and extended family are often desperate to help, but they just don’t know how,” notes a property clearance expert advice. Consider asking loved ones for help with emotionally challenging tasks or to assist you in making decisions when you feel stuck.
Generational Perspectives Matter: “Generations before us, who have experienced [poverty and great scarcity]” may have different relationships with possessions than we do today. What seemed emotionally significant to your loved one might not hold the same meaning for you, and that’s okay, says Elizabeth Lewis, a grief support specialist.
Practice Self-Compassion: “It’s easy to fall into the guilt cycle when you have to let things go,” reminds an estate planning expert from the blog Cake. Remember that “your loved one wouldn’t have expected you to keep everything.”
When Grief Feels Overwhelming
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness,” says grief counselor Earl Grollman. “It is an emotional, spiritual, and physical necessity, the price you pay for love.”
If sorting through belongings feels too overwhelming:
- Consider hiring a professional estate manager
- Store items temporarily until you’re emotionally ready
- Focus on one small area at a time
- Remember that this process can take months or even years
Finding Your Own Path Forward: “What if it’s possible to move forward WITHOUT being forced to leave your loved one behind?” asks Lam. This is perhaps the most important insight of all—choosing what to keep and what to release isn’t about forgetting or moving on. It’s about creating space for both your grief and your ongoing life.
As one widowed mother shared: “Everyone’s journey is different, and you might want to do things differently, and that is ok. My best advice to give is to listen to yourself and do what is best for you as you navigate grief.”
Moving Forward with Intention: The process of curating your loved one’s belongings is ultimately about making choices and expressing intention. “Recognizing the choices we have in the face of circumstances outside our control is important,” Lam reflects. You get to choose how you want to remember your loved one and how their memory integrates into your ongoing life.
Whether you keep one meaningful shirt or an entire room of belongings, whether you’re ready to start this process now or need to wait years—trust yourself. Your grief journey is yours and yours alone, and so is the way you choose to honor your loved one’s memory through the objects they left behind.
People Are Not Their Things: The love you shared, the memories you created, and the impact they had on your life can never be diminished by what you choose to keep or release. In the end, the most important things they left you can never be put in a box or stored in a closet—they live on in your heart.
If you’re struggling with grief, remember that support is available. Consider reaching out to a grief counselor, joining a support group, or exploring resources like Charlene Lam’s book “Curating Grief” for additional guidance on this challenging but important journey.
Carrie Campbell, Blog Contributor
Sunset Funeral Home Cremation Center & Cemetery can help you through every step of the end-of-life process. Contact us for more information about cremation, funeral home, or cemetery services in Evansville, Indiana.
Sidebar: The Digital Dimension of Grief
Sometimes the “belongings” we struggle to release aren’t physical objects at all. In our digital age, we carry our loved ones with us in ways previous generations never experienced—in our phones, computers, and online spaces.
I understand this struggle. A business friend who had taken his own life was someone I had worked closely with—I had helped him create his Facebook page, website, and designed book covers for his projects. Years later, I still find myself unable to delete his contact information from my phone. His name sits there in my contacts, a digital monument to our connection and the work we shared.
This pattern has repeated itself with others I’ve lost—another friend who passed away, a neighbor who died from breast cancer. My dad passed away in 2013 (my mother is still living), and I still store her number in my contacts as “Mom and Dad”. In each instance, I find myself holding onto these digital traces, these modern-day “possessions” that feel too important to erase.
As Charlene Lam notes, “there is a digital footprint of our losses, too,” and these digital items “might take up in our thoughts and feelings, even if physical space isn’t an issue.” Our phones become unintentional museums of loss, preserving voicemails we can’t bear to delete, text message threads that ended too soon, and social media profiles that have become memorials. Read our blog on how to memorialize a Facebook page.
The decision of what to keep and what to release extends far beyond closets and drawers. It resides in our devices, cloud storage, and email inboxes. And just like with physical possessions, there’s no timeline for when we should be “ready” to let go of these digital connections.