Before a Loss: What You Can Do Right Now

Jump to: The Practical Things | The Personal Things

When the call came that my dad was back in the hospital, I threw plenty of clothes in the trunk of my car. The hospital was two hours from home, too far to turn around for anything I’d forgotten. Did I need enough for a day or two, enough for a week, or an outfit for a funeral?

We’d had a lot of those calls by then. Dad had been declining for several years and in and out of the hospital more times than I could keep track of, so every call carried the same question: Is this it? This time, a problem during dialysis landed him in the ICU, and his doctors decided to do major surgery. I think we all assumed they wouldn’t put him through something that serious unless he had more time. He didn’t.

I pulled into the hospital parking lot around 10 p.m. It was huge, lit up like an airport in the dark February night, and just as unfamiliar. I walked through the hospital doors and stopped at the front desk. I didn’t know where to go. Mom and Dad were upstairs. I sat down next to his bed. After a bit, he looked at me and asked, “Are you bored?” For some reason, that made me laugh.

My brother Jeff and I stayed through the night. Dad was in a lot of pain, and the room was so cold I kept my coat on when I lay down on the couch. Around 4:30 a.m., we went to Mom’s to sleep for a few hours. Dad wanted a strawberry milkshake from Steak ’n Shake, so I picked one up on the way back later that morning. By then, his pain was worse, and they gave him something to help him sleep. The milkshake he’d asked for went into a refrigerator for later. He never woke up.

When You Don’t Know What to Do

I don’t think anyone can really wrap their head around waiting for someone you love to die. Everyday life stops, but nothing has happened yet — you’re suspended in time. Meanwhile, you’re suddenly responsible for things you’ve never had to handle before. Researchers who studied relatives of people with incurable cancer found the same thing: families described waiting for a death while taking on tasks and responsibilities that were entirely new to them.

Some families go into those days with plans already in place. My husband, Mark, lost his dad in 2022 and his mom two years later, and his parents had taken care of everything in advance. Mine had bought their cemetery property years earlier and had only recently planned the funeral. After Dad died, I was up at 1 a.m. looking for life insurance policies.

With Dad, and again with Mark’s mom, we spent those days sitting with them—holding their hand, talking while they still could—but also making phone calls, booking flights, and figuring out what needed to happen next. None of it is anything anyone wants to do, but taking care of the practical things now means fewer of them will be left for later.

Where to Start

It depends on what’s already in place. If your loved one planned ahead, much of the work is finding those plans and confirming them: calling the funeral home, locating the paperwork, making sure the right person can make medical decisions. If there’s no plan, begin with the first few steps below, since those are the ones your loved one may still be able to help with.

While you’re handling the practical things, there are personal ones, too. Life goes on, even when it doesn’t seem like it should, and someone still has to decide when to make the trip, who should be in the room, and what to say while there’s still time.

To keep these steps close by, download our Family Checklist & Important Numbers.

The Practical Things

Know Who Makes Medical Decisions: If your loved one can no longer speak for themselves, someone will have to make decisions about their care. Ideally, their wishes are already in writing in a living will, along with the name of the person they want making those decisions.

Many families assume the hospital already has that paperwork. It may not. Under federal law, the Patient Self-Determination Act, hospitals must ask patients whether they have an advance directive, but they can’t require one, and it’s up to the patient to provide a copy. Ask the staff what’s on file.

If they can still talk, have the conversation. How you start depends on what you already know:

• If you don’t know whether anything is in writing: “If the doctors ever ask me what you’d want, I want to get it right. Can we talk about it?”
• If there’s a living will: “Is your living will still what you want? Where’s the copy?”
• If someone has already been named: “You named [name] to make these decisions. Is there anything you want them to know?”

Sunset’s free Living Will Kit covers the documents that put those decisions in writing.

Find Out Their Funeral and Cemetery Wishes: Most families put this conversation off, and it’s easy to see why. As long as they can still talk about it, it isn’t too late. The main questions are burial or cremation, what kind of service, if any, and whether there’s already a cemetery plot or a plan on file with a funeral home.

How you start depends on what you already know:

• If you’ve never talked about it: “I don’t want to guess about this later. Have you thought about what you’d want?”
• If they already have a plan: “Is the plan you made still what you want? Which funeral home is it with?”
• If they say they don’t want anything: “Would you be OK with something small, so family and friends can be together?” When someone says, “I don’t want a funeral,” they may not mean do nothing. Often, they mean they don’t want a traditional service.

Some people are relieved to be asked. If they’d rather not talk about it, let it rest. If the conversation never happens, the family will make the decisions, and the funeral home can walk you through the options when the time comes.

Find the Important Papers: We’d asked Dad where things were years earlier, but we never got answers, and that’s how I ended up searching for policies at 1 a.m. The hardest papers to track down are the ones only one person knew about.

Asking about life insurance while someone you love is dying can feel cold, like you’re thinking about money instead of them. A simple question lets them lead: “Is there anything you want me to know where to find?” Sunset’s free Personal Planning Organizer gives you one place to write down their wishes. If they don’t open up, or can’t, start by looking on your own and asking the people closest to them.

You’ll likely need:

• Life insurance policies
• Bank and retirement accounts
• The deed to the house and the car title
• A will
• Passwords for their phone, email, and online accounts

Where to look:

• Ask the people around them. A spouse, a sibling, or a close friend may know more than you’d expect.
• Check where people keep papers, like a desk drawer, a file box, or a safe.
• Look through bank statements. Regular payments can point to insurance premiums or accounts nobody mentioned.
• Use the free policy locator. The National Association of Insurance Commissioners runs a Life Insurance Policy Locator that helps families find a loved one’s life insurance policies and annuity contracts after a death.

Call the Funeral Home Ahead of Time: You can call a funeral home before a death happens, though you don’t have to. I called the funeral director to say Dad might pass away within the next week, so it was on the funeral home’s radar. No one knows exactly when a death will happen, but if you do call, you can get the information you’ll need.

The call can be short, and it doesn’t commit you to anything. You can:

• Let them know death is nearing, so they’re expecting your call when the time comes.
• Ask whether there are arrangements on file and confirm what’s in them.
• Ask what happens after the death, including what the first call will look like and what the family will need to decide.
• Ask what the options cost to avoid surprises later.

When Your Loved One Dies: Who to Call

It helps to know ahead of time which number you’ll need. It depends on where they are:

• In a hospital or care facility: The staff will confirm the death and handle the first steps. Let them know which funeral home you’ve chosen.
• At home with hospice: Don’t call 911. According to the Hospice Foundation of America, families should call the hospice provider’s 24-hour line, and a team member will come to confirm the death and help with final arrangements.
• At home without hospice: Call 911.

Once the death is confirmed, call the funeral home. Put these numbers where everyone in the house can find them. Our printable checklist has space to write them down. Sunset can be reached 24/7 at (812) 477-5316. For what happens after that first call, Sunset’s guide, What to Do First When Someone Dies, walks through the next steps.

The Personal Things

Decide When to Make the Trip: If you live out of town, the hardest decision can be whether to go now or wait. With Dad, we’d been called to the hospital so many times that it was hard to know when we’d be needed most, and we all had jobs and families of our own to keep up with.

My oldest brother, Dan, who lives in Florida, asked me outright: “When should I come?” He had to plan around work, and he wanted to be sure he could be there the week after Dad died. When Dad was moved to the hospice wing, Dan got a flight. He landed an hour after Dad died, but he was there for the week that followed. Mom wanted Dan with us in those final days, but whether she knew it or not, she needed him just as much afterward.

Mark faced the same question from across the country. We were on vacation in California; flights were still unpredictable because of the pandemic. We ended up driving four hours to San Francisco for a red-eye back home, and Mark spent the next morning with his dad at the hospital. A few hours later, his brother called. Their dad was on life support, and the family was gathering to say goodbye. He died with his family in the room the following day.

Two different families, with two different experiences. No one can tell you which it will be because no one knows exactly how much time is left. What the nurses and care team can tell you is what they’re seeing. It can help to ask:

• “If this were your family, would you come now?”
• “What changes are you seeing?”

If you’re the one far away, ask one person at the bedside to be your point of contact, someone who will call or text you when anything changes.

Before You Leave

• Tell work. When Dad was dying, I checked in with my boss, who told me to stay where I was. That took one worry off my list. Ask what family or bereavement leave you have, so you know your options before you need them.
• Pack for longer than you expect, including something to wear to a funeral. It’s hard to turn around once you’re there.
• Line up help at home, whether that’s someone to cover the kids, the pets, or the mail.

Decide Who to Invite to the Bedside: Not everyone will be there at the end, and someone has to decide who will be. A few things can make it easier:

• Ask the care team about visitors. Some hospitals and care facilities limit how many people can be in the room at once.
• Make two lists: people you should ask to come to the bedside, and people who should hear what’s happening.
• Split up the calls. Ask a few relatives to call a few people each, so it doesn’t all fall on one person.
• Think about who won’t ask but can be there. In-laws, close friends, and longtime caregivers may hold back because they don’t want to intrude. If they matter to your loved one, invite them.
• Be kind but clear with people who shouldn’t come. You might say, “We’re keeping it to close family right now, but I’ll let you know how he’s doing,” or “She isn’t up for visitors, but I can pass along a message.” A message read aloud, or a phone held up to their ear, still gives people a way to say goodbye.
• If you’re on the other side of this, ask before you go. If you’re told no, try not to take it personally. It doesn’t say anything about what you mean to each other. The people making these decisions are overwhelmed. They’re doing their best.

When Mark’s mom was dying, I was one of the people in her room that weekend. We gathered around her, and I was honored to be there. She died the following Monday, with her daughters, a granddaughter, and Mark at her side.

Say What You Want to Say: It doesn’t need to be a speech. The last time I saw Mark’s mom, she looked like she was sleeping. I held her hand and told her thank you.

It’s possible she heard me. A University of British Columbia study found that a dying brain can respond to sound, even in an unconscious state, up to the last hours of life. The researchers couldn’t tell whether patients understood the words, but some may hear more than anyone realizes.

If you aren’t sure where to start, two of the phrases palliative care physician Ira Byock says matter most are “Thank you” and “I love you.” Some people also:

• Share a favorite memory, even a small one.
• Tell them what they taught you.
• Let them know the family will look after each other.

If You Can’t Be There in Person: The day before Dad died, Dan said his goodbyes over the phone. Dad wasn’t conscious, so Mom held the phone up to his ear.

• Ask someone at the bedside to hold the phone up to their ear.
• Record a message to play for them.
• Send a few words for someone to read aloud.

You Might Not Be in the Room: Dad died on a Monday, the day after the Super Bowl. Snow had been falling all day, quietly blanketing the parking lot. Jeff and I had both stepped out—I went down to the cafeteria to bring back dinner, and Jeff went to get my parents’ cat—and we got back at the same time.

The nurse was just coming out of Dad’s room, pulling the door shut behind her as I came down the hall. She said, “I’m sorry, your dad just died,” and walked away. I stopped and stared at the closed door. Everything was as okay as it could be when we left. Then it wasn’t. And I went back in.

We’d been with him for days, and Jeff and I missed it by minutes. Dan missed it by an hour. Mom was there, and I’m thankful for that.

Many families worry about missing that moment. Hospice nurse Barbara Karnes believes dying people have limited control over the timing—they can stay a bit longer to wait for someone to arrive, or die after someone at the bedside leaves the room. If you aren’t there when your loved one dies, it doesn’t mean you let them down.

Back in the room, the dinner I’d brought went untouched, like the strawberry milkshake. Tommy the cat crawled up to lie on Dad’s chest and reached up to kiss his chin.

by Carrie Phelps-Campbell, Blog Contributor