When it comes to celebrating and commemorating your parent’s life, how do you pull all of the pieces together and say goodbye while still honoring their spirit — the spirit that made you you? They raised you, provided for you, and supported every wish, whim, hope, and dream.
Many who plan a parent’s funeral face these same challenges — challenges amidst your own mourning as well as, potentially, caring for the needs of a surviving parent. Alone, any of these pieces could be overwhelming — but together, they can be a perfect storm to overcome.
When my father passed away, I saw it all firsthand. In a lot of ways, the experience of planning his funeral was a mixed bag. While the planning helped me move forward and process some powerful emotions, I also had periods of tremendous self-doubt and second-guessing.
- Was I doing the right thing?
- Was there a “right” thing?
- Is this what my father would have wanted?
- What can I do to honor my father’s 72 years?
Five Steps to Take First
I found it helpful to keep a list of what needed to be done. The five steps that would take me from my father’s death to the funeral itself:
- Call the funeral director to make arrangements, confirm dates, and finalize details.
For more information and a step-by-step guide on what to do first, read our blog article here. - Call relatives, friends, and loved ones – or enlist others to help you share the news. While this was incredibly difficult, I knew it was the most critical task, especially in the first few hours and days.
Read our blog article about informing people about a death on social media. - Share any instructions left by your parent with the funeral director. Think of burial versus cremation and wishes for his/her final resting place, plus headstone inscriptions.
- Finalize arrangements, including post-funeral, meeting place, or shiva calls.
- Write and submit the obituary to the funeral director for publication and general use.
Fortunately for me, my father and I had had an open dialogue about his death, and he’d clearly outlined some of his final wishes — a casual service, a local burial, and, above all, a post-funeral get-together at his favorite local pub.
It was very “Dad.” He’d even specified he didn’t want my mother to wear black, and despite some initial protests, she obliged, showing up in a pale purple dress he loved.
Stay Focused, and Take a Breath
While working through the above steps can be difficult, I found it incredibly helpful to focus on the overarching goal: celebrating and honoring Dad.
With that vision in mind, the pieces began to fall into place, and when my emotions overwhelmed me, reminding myself to “celebrate Dad” kept me grounded, on track, and moving ahead.
When it’s too much, when the sadness sinks in, or when you feel you’re off track, take a breath and remind yourself that you’re doing that — celebrating your mother or father. You aren’t being judged for your floral choices or questions about the content of the eulogy or obituary.
You are simply celebrating your parent in a way you know would make your parent happy — and you, above anyone else, know what that entails.
There is No Right Way
If there were a “right” way to plan a funeral, every single funeral would be the same. Your parent’s funeral is meant to honor their life and legacy, and whatever you choose to do is the right thing.
That could mean a formal church service with ornate florals, powerful hymns, and moving eulogies- or a simple memorial and even celebration at home or a venue following the funeral. It could be big or small, private or public, casual or over the top — if it speaks to you, it would no doubt resonate with your parent, and that’s ALWAYS “right.”
Planning a funeral is not only an emotional journey, but it’s also a time-consuming one. Chances are relatives, friends, and other loved ones will offer to help with the planning process. Now is the time to take them up on it.
Whether it’s asking an aunt or cousin to oversee food and drinks at a shiva call or home visit, tapping a close family friend to work with the florist or a sibling to coordinate the day of logistics, taking some of the significant details off of your plate will help you focus on the overarching task at hand while, at the same time, giving you some room to breathe and to mourn.
Take Time at the Funeral
When the day of the funeral arrives, be sure to reflect on everything happening around you. Again, this is an opportunity to celebrate your parent’s life, and you should take the time to do just that — taking in the sights, sounds, words, and reflections while saying goodbye to Mom or Dad.
At my father’s funeral, I reminded myself over and over to take a moment, and when I did, I started to gain the closure I’d been searching for.
As soon as I could take a step back, I saw what mattered most — the people, memories, anecdotes, and countless other signs of a well-lived life. It was my dad’s 72 years, all right before my eyes. It was bittersweet, but I’m forever grateful I could take it all in, even just for a minute.
Planning Ahead
Another tip? Any pre-planning you and your parent can do will, ultimately, be very helpful when his or her time finally comes. While not everyone is as forthcoming as my dad, focusing on a few essential details months or even years ahead will make planning the funeral more seamless and less charged.
Some thoughts:
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Understand the type of funeral your parent would want — a formal church service? A casual or non-traditional ceremony? Something else?
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Ensure you know their wishes — burial or cremation — and specifics about where they want to be laid to rest.
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If there are long-lost friends or relatives who your mother or father would want present — or, at the very least, notified — be sure you have their information.
- Discuss small details like wardrobe, music, flowers, and food — if there’s something special that should be represented, make a note.
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Check out our free Personal Planning Organizer, which compiles all of the above information in one convenient place and provides a comprehensive checklist of things that need to be done.
Planning a parent’s funeral is one of the most challenging things you will ever do. Keep a clear-cut focus on the goal — celebrating your parent’s life — and an understanding that there’s no “right” way.
You’ll be able to work through your emotions and the logistics tied to the service and, ultimately, gain some critical closure that will help your mourning process.
It’s a powerful journey filled with countless emotions — but at the end of the road is an opportunity to memorialize the person who meant so much to you, your siblings, your children, and everyone in between.
Jaime Hollander, Blog Contributor