Three Tips for Writing a Heartfelt Eulogy

When Mona Simpson delivered her brother Steve Jobs’ eulogy, she began by sharing her own life story, starting with their first meeting at the age of 25. Raised by a single mother, Mona was unaware she had any siblings until Steve found her, initiating a relationship that would span the next 27 years.

Her story painted a vivid picture of a brother full of love, compassion, intelligence, humor, and even a few endearing quirks. For instance, she noted, “For an innovator, Steve was remarkably loyal. If he loved a shirt, he’d order 10 or 100. In the Palo Alto house, there are probably enough black cotton turtlenecks for everyone in this church.”

If you face the task of writing a eulogy for a loved one, do you know where to begin? The emotions triggered by someone close passing can certainly cloud clear thinking. Yet, these very emotions can also unlock the depths of our feelings, empowering us to speak directly from the heart. Here are three key tips to guide you in writing a truly heartfelt eulogy.

1. Forget About “Writing”

Many people feel anxious when asked to create a eulogy, especially if they don’t consider themselves writers. However, you don’t need to be a professional wordsmith to move people. A eulogy simply tells the story of your relationship with someone who has died. You aren’t “writing” in the traditional sense; instead, you are sharing your personal narrative and connection with that person.

Remember, everyone attending a funeral shares some connection to your loved one and will be open and receptive to any words you choose to deliver. Furthermore, know that no “right” or “wrong” exists when you write and present your eulogy. Whether it’s short or long, emotional or stoic, humorous or deeply heartfelt—if the words, stories, and memories resonate with you, you have successfully honored your loved one.

Struggling to write an obituary? These tips can help; Or try our Online Obituary Writer.

2. Prepare with Purpose

While you “forget about writing,” this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare. If you feel uncomfortable with writing, and even if you do, adding in all your emotions about your loved one’s death can make you lose the essence of what and how you want to convey your message. Here are some tips to help you get started:

First, Let Your Mind Wander: The death of your loved one likely evokes a flood of memories, stories, and lessons from the past. You may have favorite anecdotes you’ve recounted before, but many special moments might not immediately come to mind. Give yourself permission to reflect, letting your thoughts drift through your shared history. Jot down notes as ideas spring forth; for now, don’t concern yourself with connecting the dots. Take time to delve into your journey together and see where it leads you.

Ask yourself these questions to prompt your memories:

• How did you know the deceased, and how did you become close?

• When you hear their name, what funny story always comes to mind?

• What did you love and admire most about the deceased?

• What did you have in common?

• What made them the happiest?

• What will you miss most about them?

Journaling may help you write your eulogy. You can learn how to journal here. 

Second, Find a Common Thread: This step often proves easier than it sounds, especially after you’ve completed the previous exercise. People often possess strong character traits that manifest throughout their lives. Weave this common thread throughout your eulogy. Chances are, everyone in the room will immediately connect with what you’re saying and recall their own similar experiences.

If you are speaking on behalf of others, ask coworkers, friends, and family to share their recollections and stories with you; this helps complement your own narrative.

Don’t hesitate to use humor. For example, actor Colin Farrell, who forged a strong friendship with actress Elizabeth Taylor during the last 18 months of her life, offered this in her eulogy: their friendship was “a classic case of boy meets girl, and boy pesters girl with too many phone calls at inappropriate hours of the night. I was just lucky enough to become her friend. I adore her… still.”

3. Write Your Eulogy

Now, sit down and write your eulogy. Aim for a length of five to ten minutes.

Start by briefly introducing yourself and your relationship to the deceased. Share personal stories and anecdotes about your loved one, along with anything that celebrates and honors their life. This might include:

• Reading their favorite poem or song lyrics.

• Sharing a memorable quirky detail, like mentioning that as a Red Sox fan, they swore to loathe the Yankees until their last breath.

• Recalling simple, yet telling, details. Steve Jobs’ sister Mona shared that in the first few years she knew him and his wife, dinner “was served on the grass, and sometimes consisted of just one vegetable. Lots of that one vegetable. But one. Broccoli. In season. Simply prepared. With just the right, recently snipped herb.”

Once you complete these three steps, you will likely have crafted the right tribute. Remember, a eulogy simply tells the story of your relationship with the deceased. As Steve Jobs’ sister Mona wrote in her tribute, “None of us knows for certain how long we’ll be here. We all — in the end — die in medias res. In the middle of a story. Of many stories.”

A eulogy tells the story of the person who died and your unique role in that story. Whatever you say will speak volumes and live on long after the service. Speak from the heart about your unique relationship; you truly can’t go wrong.

Carrie Phelps, Blog Contributor