10 Ways to Offer Support to Someone Who’s Suffered a Loss

Offering Support During Loss

After a lifetime of helping families with final arrangements, we can tell you that we most frequently answer questions not about headstones, caskets, memorial services, or burials.

What people most want to  know are the answers to these questions: “What do I do?” and “What can I say?”

We find the answers to these questions more complex than general questions about funeral arrangements because they relate to and support people when they’ve experienced a loss, which is so very personal. Grief is a unique process for each individual. We need to consider etiquette, community, variable emotions, and sometimes even religion or spirituality.

This is all to say that even if you’re well-versed in what needs to be done after a loss, it’s often difficult to know how to be there emotionally for people. What’s the best way to comfort a friend? How do you behave towards a colleague? Is it okay to mention the deceased’s name? Here are our suggestions:

Practical Ways to Show You Care

1. Write a note via snail mail, whether you’re a close friend or just an acquaintance, and do it ASAP. Acknowledge their grief, express sympathy for their loss, and let the person know you’re thinking of them during a difficult time. Not sure what to say? Read our article for suggestions about what you can write here.

2. Communicate without expectation of acknowledgment or reciprocity. Reach out whenever you feel inclined, but add a caveat that you’re not expecting anything back. “I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and sending love; no response is needed” is a nice way to phrase it.

3. Show up for the funeral, memorial service, wake, shiva, or other events to memorialize the deceased, even if you don’t know them well. Your presence will be noticed and appreciated. And here’s why.

4. Offer to do specific things for the person who’s suffered a loss. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” is a well-meaning sentiment, but it overwhelms them in the context of the moment. Suggest specific things you’re willing to do, like “I can drop off some meals” or “I’d be happy to offer childcare if you need to get out of the house.”

5. Sometimes, do things without being asked. Cleaning the house, restocking toilet paper and food, and taking messages are all easy tasks that will ease the burden on a grieving family.

Emotional and Ongoing Support

1. Offer remembrances of the person who has passed, both physical and memorial. One of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of memory. Grieving friends and family greatly appreciate photos, stories, notes, and remembrances.
   
   
2. Encourage them to express their feelings without fear of reservation or judgment. Avoid phrases like “I know how you feel,” “They’re in a better place,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Give them time to grieve openly by saying, “Let it out; I’m here for you,” or “This really hurts.” Learn more about what you can say and what you probably shouldn’t say in this blog piece.
   
   
3. Extend an invitation to the grieving person, just as you would normally. Have a party, head to the movies, or go to dinner? Don’t assume they’re not up to coming—they can decide whether they’d like to join or not.
   
   
4. Keep showing up. The grieving process extends well beyond the first week or month. Recognize that, and continue being there long after others have moved on. Just being there—watching a movie together, offering to stay overnight, bringing food—is enough. Be especially aware of holidays and other special days.
   
   
5. Honor the anniversary of the person’s passing, particularly the first year. Write a note, call, or send flowers to memorialize the occasion.

Carrie Phelps-Campbell, Blog Contributor